Funny Quotes

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Funny Qoutes

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. – Frederick Ryder

Women need a reason to have sex – men just need a place. – Billy Crystal.

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last. – Remy de Gourmant (French writer)

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses. – H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment. – Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. – B. Johnson

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? – Carrie Snow

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde. – Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. – Erica Jong

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. – Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. – Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. – Sue Grafton

I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. – Roseanne

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because it’s cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT? – Wendy Liebman

I think-therefore I’m single. – Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. – Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. – Gloria Steinem

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? – Linda Ellerbee

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” – Joey Adams

“Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.” – Aldous Huxley

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.” – Ronald Reagan

“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.” – Woody Allen

“Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.” – Joseph Fischer

“Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.” – Swami X

“Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.” – Aaron Levenstein

“The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.” – Anonymous

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” – Phyllis Diller

“When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.” – Samuel Johnson

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde

“Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy

“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.” – David Bissonette

“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.” – Johnny Carson

“If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.” – Chekhov

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have,  the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” – Irwin Corey

“Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.” – Ken Dodd

“I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.” -Zsa Zsa Gabor

“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry

“The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.” – Margo Kaufman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marxv

“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” – Jackie Mason

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.” – James Holt McGavran

“A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.” – Ogden Nash

“When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.” – Helen Rowland

“Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” – Rita Rudner

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner

“We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.” – Shelley Winters

“I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.” – Henny Youngman

“Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.” – George Carlin

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneris

“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.” – Carol Leifer

“A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.” – Shelley Berman

“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.” – Billiam Coronel

“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Dave Edison

“Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.” – Steve Bluestone

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

“Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.” – Johnny Carson

“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.” – Will Rogers

“Never moon a werewolf.” – Mike Binder

“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.” – Bobcat Goldthwait

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elayne Boosler

“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?” – John Mendoza

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.” – Rita Mae Brown

“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

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